Friday, December 05, 2003

I need to clear my mind. This song is written from a true story. This happened to one of my friends. Feel free to share your thoughts on it if you have any...

When She Cries
the sun can shine and dance across the sky
remind me of the sparkle in her eye
that used to greet the world at dawn
but was taken away, thats turned up gone
a night of darkness, supposed to be
a night of peace and tranquility
shattered in a moment frozen in time
when someone took her away before her own eyes

when she cries
her tears dont wash away the pain
the screams dont go away
the past comes out to play
when she screams
the world doesnt hear
doesnt know about the fear
she keeps inside
and tries to hide
only to let out
when she cries

she pleaded and begged until she could no more
and when the thief was done he closed the door
she drowned in her heart after swimming in her head
and for all she knew her soul was dead
tomorrow seemed like an eternity away
if she even survived what happened today

when she cries
her tears dont wash away the pain
the screams dont go away
the past comes out to play
when she screams
the world doesnt hear
doesnt know about the fear
she keeps inside
and tries to hide
only to let out
when she cries

she didnt ask
but she recieved
she built a mask
so we couldnt see
a broken heart
a tortured soul
is there anything
that can make her whole?

when she cries
her tears dont wash away the pain
the screams dont go away
the past comes out to play
when she screams
the world doesnt hear
doesnt know about the fear
she keeps inside
and tries to hide
only to let out
when she cries
her tears dont wash away the pain
the screams dont go away
the past comes out to play
when she screams
the world doesnt hear
doesnt know about the fear
she keeps inside
and tries to hide
only to let out
when she cries
<++Naib++> at 12:40:00 AM 
++++++++

Saturday, November 29, 2003

I've been staying at a friends house all by myself for the past few days while they are out of town. I am dogsitting. Last night, while lying in bed, I felt so alone. I wasn't even in my own bed. I was in someone else's bed. With someone else's dogs lying at my feet. The weather has been bad here. Last night we had torrential downpours and severe thunderstorms and very high winds. I was lying in bed, listening to the wind whip around the house thinking it would be really nice to have someone there with me. Not in the same bed. Just, in the house. So I didn't feel so isolated, so alone.

I was laying in bed desperately wanting to know someone was there with me. Someone was there to make me feel comfortable. And so I decided I would pray. There may not have been another human physically in the house with me, but I knew God was. And my fears and wants and worries were quietly stripped away as I talked to God and prepared myself to sleep. And while praying, I prayed for the person I spoke of earlier in my "Perkiomen & Main" entry.

He lives alone in his apartment. His family isn't that close to where he lives. He works during the week a full-time job, and also on Saturdays another 8 hour workday. And he isn't a Christian. In his words he says "I'll probably doubt God exists until the day I die." And that always saddens me.

Especially last night. On that cold, windy, stormy night...he was all alone. Just like I was. Except, I usually am not in a house by myself. And I know I always have God with me. He doesn't. In the times he feels the most alone, or the most scared, or the most unsure of himself, he has no one to turn to like I do. I have God. And he doesn't.

A part of me is so grateful, because its a beautiful thing to know God and be able to trust him and reach Him whenever I want too. But part of me is so angry. If God knows every person before they are born, and knows every decision they will make before they make it, why would he create people knowing they will not turn to Him as their savior and then eternally damn them for making that decision? I don't get it.

All I know is...I pray every day that God will work amazing blessings into my friend's life. Blessings that will be so big and obvious he will no longer be able to deny the name of Christ. And until then, I'll keep praying for him and all those like him who face each night lost and alone.
<++Naib++> at 12:44:00 PM 

++++++++

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Apparently between Tanksgiving and New Years, it is the "thing-to-do" by saying Happy Holidays to people. Well...whats the point if they aren't so happy?

I don't talk to my real father anymore, for multiple reasons. He's handed me too many to count, and Thanksgiving a couple years ago is one of those reasons.

My dad's family lives in Pittsburgh. Growing up, I lived to fly out there and see them. I loved being with my grandma, and my cousins, and my aunt and uncle. Being in Pittsburgh was something that made me so happy. So, I was excited that year to be going there for Thanksgiving. My dad (who works for a major airline) bought my sister and I tickets to fly from our hometown out to Pittsburgh. It was the night before Thanksgiving, and a huge ice-storm had hit the area. My mom did not want to drive us to the airport, but did so because she knew how much my sister and I were looking forward to it. A normally 45 minute drive turned into a two hour one. We got to the airport only to find that our airplane had not yet left Charlotte and so we were delayed. This meant my mom would have to stay later than planned. The airplane got in almost two hours late. The gate agent (who obviously wanted to get home) didn't even take our tickets. All she said was "Anyone who has a ticket for this flight board the airplane at this time." And so we did.

The plane took off, my mom braved the traffic home, and not much later my sister and I were at the very busy Pittsburgh International Airport. Alone. Nobody was there to pick us up. Nowhere. Being minors, the airline crew needed someone to sign paperwork before they could let us go. There was no-one there to do that. So, the flight attendants took us back to the break room with the Customer Service Manager. She asked us who was supposed to pick us up, what there number was, how many other people did we know in Pittsburgh, etc. I made the phone call to my grandma's house and nobody answered. Ok...so I called my dad's roommate in Georgia (where he lived) to see if he had gotten to Pittsburgh. His roommate said he had. So...in theory...he should have been waiting at the gate for his two kids. After several more phonecalls to anyone I thought I knew in Pittsburgh...the woman from the airline told us that there was one last flight from Pittsburgh home, and if nobody picked us up by the time it left, she had no choice but to put my sister and I on it.

So, the woman called my mom. My mom answered and heard "This is so-and-so from USAirways..." and my mom had thought the plane had crashed. Well, it hadn't. So the woman explained the predicament to my less-than-thrilled mother who did not want to enter back out into the icestorm to cover her less-than-responsible ex-husband's ass. My mom started making phone calls. She somehow ended up with my Uncle's beeper number. She beeped him. Left him her number. He got the page while in the middle of playing a late-night basketball game. He agreed to come pick my sister and I up. He got to the airport at 11:00pm, several minutes before that last flight left, and many hours after the journey began.

My sister and I hadn't eaten, so my Uncle (who knows everyone in the city of Pittsburgh and all its suburbs) took us to McDonalds. Now, McDonalds was closed at the time, but the manager was still in the store. And my Uncle happened to know him. And McDonalds opened up for us and made us dinner. My Uncle is the best.

So, my Uncle gets us to our Grandma's house somewhere around 12:15am, Thanksgiving morning. My dad and us always stayed there. Nobody was home. Nobody. At 2:00 in the morning, my grandma, grandpa and father roll into the house, very surprised to see us.

"What are you guys doing here?" they exclaimed.

They had forgotten we were coming into town. Yes...forgotten.

Happy Thanksgiving, dad. I'm glad we mean that much to you.
<++Naib++> at 11:31:00 PM 

++++++++

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

The corner of Perkiomen & Main. Everytime I drive past that intersection, I realize where I am, and my heart sinks.
It wasn't that long ago that that intersection meant I was almost there. I was almost in the arms of someone who who wanted me. Someone who needed me. Someone who made me feel whole. We saw each other once or twice a week. We talked everyday. We became best friends. And then more.

I remember the first time we met in person. We had been talking online for weeks. I didn't drive yet, so he had to come pick me up. I gave him directions to the post office, it was the easiest thing to find near my house, and easy for me to walk to.
When he pulled up in his car and got out, my heart was racing. He was equally as nervous. His hand was shaking when I shook it. We were going out mini-golfing. Innocent enough. Like it should have been.

The next time we met, we planned on going hiking. But it started to rain. And there was nowhere to go but his house. We were going to watch a movie. We stopped at the video-store and picked one up. While watching the movie, out of nowhere he turned to me, and kissed me. Everything changed in that one instant. The relationship had just blown to a new level.

Over the next few weeks, we kept going farther and farther and farther. The closer I got to him, the farther I got from God. And it didn't bother me.

We became so comfortable with each other. We made each other feel needed. We made each other feel valuable. We made each other feel good. And he made me feel things I had never felt before. Physically and emotionally.

Only three weeks later, it all ended. One night he was there, and the next he was gone. He decided he wasn't sure he could do this anymore. I was so angry. I gave him pieces of me I had planned to give no one...and he took them...and when he was done using them, he ran. It felt like he used me.

I felt jaded. I felt destroyed. I felt like I had sold myself out to the lowest bidder. I felt abandoned. I felt like trash. I had lost my innocence. I had lost my faith. And he had taken them without so much as a second thought. They were gone. I gave them away. I couldn't forgive myself. And even today, I still feel pain over those experiences. I became a person I couldn't recognize. It was all for a stupid three weeks of several nights filled with fun and pleasure...and all it did was leave me senseless. A fool. A sell-out. My actions went against everything I had ever believed in. I sacrificed that all for him, and he took it and ran. I couldn't believe it.

I spent the next several months rebuilding my heart and my soul. I spent every day wondering where he was...who he was with...what he was doing. In those months I found my faith again...I latched onto God because I had run out of things to turn too. And I knew in my heart, that he would not do the same.

Since then I've been able to turn my life around. I've prayed for him constantly. I know he needs God...because he's valuing himself through other people. I was one of those people. And I want to be the one that helps him realize people like me will offer him no perfect satisfaction. Only God will.

We didn't see each other in person for almost 1 year. And when we did, I became his counselor. I was there as a rock for him to lean on. And I'm hoping he'll be able to see the change in me, and want it too. That he'll want God too.

The other night, I drove past the corner of Perkiomen & Main. My heart became confused. I remembered the times we shared together, and the feelings I had. I realized the things I had given up. But noticed the way I claimed my life back. And since I drove past that corner the other night, my heart has broken for him. Not over the loss of our relationship. But over his lack of faith. He is searching in every place the world will allow him to find peace and satisfaction. And I don't understand what makes him refuse to look at God. All I know is, I pray for him every night. And everytime I drive past that intersection, I'll ask the Lord to bless Him, and know that I've done all I can. The rest is up to him.
<++Naib++> at 4:25:00 PM 

++++++++

Monday, November 24, 2003

Sex. That's a heavy topic. Most 18 year old guys have done it before....plenty of times. I, however, am a virgin. I want to save myself for marriage. I want my wife to be the first person I give that part of myself too. The Bible clearly states that God designed sex to be between a man and his wife. Well....look at society today. We have mothers that are 14. We have 12 year olds losing their virginity. Sex runs rampant through our everyday lives. Its frustrating. Sex is such a focus of todays culture, and I don't want anything to do with it. Or do I? A part of me is always thinking "You know....everyone else is doing it. It doesn't do them any harm. What have you got to lose?" Do I satisfy that part of my being with someone I may or may not spend the rest of my life with? Or do I save it for the one and only? I have no idea. All I know is...physically, I've been ready to have sex for a while now. Emotionally, not until very recently. And spiritually, I'm nowhere close. What is one to do?
<++Naib++> at 10:19:00 AM 

++++++++

Sunday, November 23, 2003

I'm falling for a girl. Not just any girl....a girl that makes me feel alive....that makes me smile whenever she walks into the room....whose presence captivates me. I'm so scared. I don't want to fall for her and have her not do the same. I know she likes me. I know she wants to be with me. But I also know she's having big problems with an ex-boyfriend that is really confusing her and her emotions. I just want to be with her. I want to share my life with her. I want to belong to her. If only I could gain all that without having to risk breaking my heart.
<++Naib++> at 1:56:00 PM 

++++++++

Saturday, November 22, 2003

Welcome to I'm Not A Child. As you can see...this is the first post here. So...let me introduce myself, and fill you in on what I hope to accomplish with this little journal. I'm 18 years old...and life is happening to me in ways that confuse me, thrill me, jade me, sadden me...the works. I want to find the reasons to why I am the why I am...why the world is the way it is. For starters, I'm a Christian. I believe in God. I believe Jesus Christ died for my sins. And everyday...I struggle with my imperfection. This journal is my safe-place...somewhere for me to question...and answer...without the fear of being judged. I want to be totally honest here...because I need somewhere to do that. I guess this journal is just somewhere for me to let my mind wander. Who knows....
<++Naib++> at 8:24:00 PM 

++++++++